That moment in Garden State when Zach Braff uttered that line “You know that point in your life when you realise the house you grew up in isn’t really your home anymore?” Is a piece of cinema dialogue that has always remained cemented in my memory. In the summer of 2005 when I first watched that film, I had just completed my second year of university and I felt like I was just a houseguest in my parents home. Sure it still felt like home, sure it still had the memories of my childhood engrained in its valley’s, but home was now down at University and in my student flat with my lively flatmates and as for Mum and Dads place, well it seemed like a skin that I had long since shed and outgrown.

Whether we are sixteen and counting down the days till we can flee home, twenty-something and in a shared living situation that we dread returning to each night, or a couple who are trying to build a home that is uniquely our own and fit for our prospective futures. Our home is an environment that contributes significantly to our well-being, outlook, prosperity and demeanour and despite our youthful desires to flee our parent’s nest as fast as possible. No matter how old we are we still continue to always search for that feeling of home that we once had as a child, the warmth we once felt in our family home. Sometimes we will find that sense of home in a flat and it will feel that comfortable that we won’t even realize that we have found a snug sense of home again. Until the moment occurs when we find ourselves in a living situation where the flat or place does not feel like a home at all, but more a room where you shut your door every night and rest your head, avoiding any human contact with your fellow housemates where possible.

Finding the perfect balance of people you enjoy living with, a home that you’re proud to call your own and a location that compliments all aspects of your lifestyle, can be an arduous task and many of us will spend a large part of our lives actively searching for a home sweet home that is distinctively our own. Though like anything in life there are some domestic ingredients that are essential in contributing to our happiness in our home and other elements that collide with our own worldview and no matter how hard we try and accept them, ultimately some people, some locations and some homes will never be the right fit for us and our own definition of domestic bliss. The ingredients of our ideal recipe for household harmony vary depending on our individual needs, but generally, there are five ingredients that can either create a delectable living environment or craft a toxic living situation.

Ingredient #1           The Nostalgic Nest

Whether we loathed the hometown glory that we were raised in or dream of being able to afford property in that neighbourhood where we were raised and envisage raising our own children in that same town too. The nostalgic sensations of our family home will always permeate the way we approach every home we live in as adults. Some of us will choose to paint our letterbox exactly the same hue as our childhood one, others will have a creative space in our home that is filled with memories of our past, one that warms us with sentimental joy each time we enter it and some of us will even keep our kitchen in the same mint condition as our mother always did, refusing to even eat our own meal until every surface in the kitchen is immaculately cleaned. Ultimately though we will always feel homesick for a place that may no longer exist, for the scent and the sensations of what we remember to be home as a child and until we create a home for ourselves that replaces that childhood idea of home, we will always miss that imaginary sense of the home we were raised in. 

Ingredient # 2          The Perfect Mix

Good flatmates are hard to come by and a shared house dynamic where all flatmates coexist together as a unified collective and are able to laugh together, cry together and party together as well, can sometimes be an impossible equilibrium to find. You and your flatmates may come from differing backgrounds, you may have different belief systems and your social circles may be opposing. But the reason why as a flat you function as a cohesive fold is that you all respect each others space and place within the flat, you welcome friends of flatmates into your home with open arms and know that your flatmates will do the same when you have company over too. You are also each committed to keeping the communal living areas as clean as possible, will often cook shared meals together and will frequently go out as a flat socially and embrace dancing till dawn as you cackle in the comfort of each others company. The only problem with finding the perfect flatmate mix is that no matter if you find this balance at university, in your twenties or in your thirties. You will continue to yearn for this same harmonious shared living balance in every flat that you live in and it’s unlikely that you will ever discover this same exact balance again.

Ingredient # 3:         The Regal Renovator

Do it yourself renovations and buying a home that we makeover with our significant other so that it exudes our distinctive taste, characteristics and tones, doesn’t just offer us an idealized dwelling. It also strengthens a relationship and provides us with a strong sense of pride because on a daily basis we see the elements of our home that were crafted with our own bare hands and hard sweat and labour. Yet while our first renovation project initially fulfils us, our lifestyles can change quickly, bigger homes are needed for expanding family units, new opportunities arise for us to develop professionally and eventually the renovation dream that we created must become a memory of our past, as we proceed forward to bigger and bolder residential horizons. Sure some of us may still hang onto our first dream home by deciding to rent it out to tenants. But the moment we relocate from that renovated property it’s no longer ours and it probably never will be our home again either. Yet there will be walls in that home, features of that home and characteristics of that home that we will always wish existed in every new home that we dwell in.

Ingredient #4           The Domineering Douche

Remember those moments as a child when your Dad used to lay down his authority, even though you always knew it was Mum who ruled the house and you’d tell yourself you’d never be like that in your own house? Well unfortunately sometimes we find ourselves in living situations when we are stuck with a domineering flatmate that rules the space with more self-righteousness than our father ever did. These people are the type of flatmates whose shit takes up every communal square inch of your flat, they’re the ones whose partner eventually ends up moving in with you and your other flatmates and then the flat you once lived in suddenly becomes the home of a couple, and as for you and your other flatmate well you two have your own living quarters and they don’t include the kitchen, lounge or bathroom when Bradgelina is around. They are the type of flatmates who will offend your friends when you take them out socially and when morning comes around they won’t apologise for their lack of tact the night before either. When friends come to visit you they will manage to make them feel as uncomfortable as possible for being in ‘their’ home and you will choose instead to always spend your social hours at each of your friends inviting homes and flats instead of your own. Then when the time does come for your flat to all part ways, they’ll diplomatically decide to take charge on the flat cleaning responsibilities and designate that your cleaning duties be the kitchen, bathroom and toilet and as for them and their beau, we’ll they’ll share one cleaning duty. Yet while we may get stuck from time to time in a shared living situation where we live with a domineering diva, one who we’d love to have an open and honest relationship with, but no we never will be able too. Once we do move on, once we say goodbye to that living situation and no longer need to split bills between three even though they should be shared with four, what we find is a sense of relief that we have the composure to be considerate of others needs and the sensibility to treat others in our home how we would like to be treated. 

Ingredient #5           The Trifecta

Though the ingredient that will undeniably provide us with more home happiness than any other is the divine domestic trifecta. This type of living bliss occurs when we successfully achieve the perfect balance of people that we want to live with, find the ideal home to live in and move into a home with a location that compliments our lifestyle.  I can confidently say that I was fortunate enough to find this type of living situation three times while at university and while the laughter and social debauchery shared with one another, convenience of each flats location to all aspects of my life and interior charm of each place, looking back was the type of domesticated delight that most dream of. I never really realised just how privileged I was to live in each of these shared flats where a home was not just a place that I resided, but an environment where the people’s warmth, laughter and friendship made the flat feel as comfortable as my childhood home.

We will always be searching for a home; always looking for a destination that feels like it could be our home, always seeking someone who we can love enough to build a home with. Sometimes we’ll make a decision on our living situation based on necessity, other times we’ll believe a living situation will improve only to find out that some people just don’t view the world like we do and sadly never will. There will always be times when our home does not feel like a home, times when we hang out at bars and our friend’s homes for as long as possible and then return home long after dark to avoid a dire living situation. Flatmates will always have partners and occasionally you will have one too, but how they integrate their partner into your shared living situation, will determine the future of your home together. Your hands may restore the foundations of a home and you may even one day make a home for your own family, one that fills you and your partner with the same pride that your parents always felt about your own childhood home.

Ultimately though whatever home you may have, the important thing to remember is that a home is not defined by its size, location or its contents. What makes a home a home is the people who inhabit it. The people whose laughter echoes through the hallways, the people whose energy warms its walls and the people who make their own unique imprint on every corner of their space within its foundations. 

Written by Samuel Elliot Snowden