Remember when you were four years old and your Dad would pull into the driveway pumping The Cure, In Between Days. You’d leave the show you were watching, the book you were reading or game you were playing and sprint as fast as your calves could carry you to greet him. So that you could ride shotgun in the front seat the second he exited the vehicle. With his music cranking and black Wayfarer sunnies framing your face, you were your own version of your favourite superhero. A mini version of your father and it felt pretty choice!

Somehow though as testosterone begins to sweat from our pores and we grow into a young adult and ultimately a man. Our view of our father changes and more often than not the focus of our relationship with our Dad becomes the divide between the man he is and the man who we are determined not to be. The presence of this divide between father and son is clearly apparent in recent surveys that suggest that only 3 out of 10 Australian men are mates with their Dad and only 4 out of 10 New Zealand high school students would go to their Dad to discuss an emotional problem.

While these statistics may seem rather alarming to many fathers, when I think back to my group of mates at high school. There was only really one of us who idolised our Dad and for the rest of us; well our old man was our main point of conflict. Was this because we were lanky skaters who were more into music, getting high, history and the arts rather than physical labour or sport? Perhaps… But it was largely due to our opposing views on working, society and our distaste for our old mans differing views to us. Plus your father is a way better verbal punching bag than your mother for teen angst riddled abuse, because there’s only so many times you can see your Mum cry without feeling guilty.

Retrospection really is the mirror that makes us realise that the mental portrait we painted of our father was in fact a rather flawed one. Yet despite my strong bond with my Dad as an adult and gratitude for every sacrifice and ounce of compassion that he has made and given to me. There are countless conversations that I wish my father and my younger self had shared. Five dialogues that I plan to exchange with my child, nephew, godchild and any other male youth whom I may become a father figure type role model too, will be…

It won’t be the hugs that your father gives that make you the man you are today; it will be the actions they take to protect you.

Most of us were raised in an era where a man talking about their feelings was an expression that only existed in our Mum’s romance novels and repressing our feelings, well that was a much more masculine scent to sport. Yet despite our fathers lack of emotion and the awkwardness felt when he gives us a lacklustre bear hug. We’ve all endured that moment when our Dad has went above and beyond to defend our honour. It may have been to a bully whose relentless taunts seemed impossible for us to defeat. He may have gone in to battle for us against another adult who was content to bring us down. He may have even revealed his softer side to us as he shed tears at our hospital bed praying to a lord you knew he had no faith in, that we would be okay. Yet whether the moment when our Dads actions reaffirmed to us the conviction and undying love that he really does have is shown at 16 or 21. The moment when you see this other side to your Dad, your relationship really does change and you question why he couldn’t have shown this other layer a whole lot earlier.

No matter how much you disagree with your father, having a father who comes home every night after work is better than none.

Our Dad’s fuck up just as much as we do, they’ll continue to make mistakes and sometimes in our lives we’ll probably be commiserating in our shared decisions of stupidity together. We may have had the misfortune of a father who reports our attempts to grow pot in the back lawn to the police. Our Dad may have been one of those guys who a few drinks in got way to vocal about the definition of our girlfriends bodies and he may have sometimes even slurred racial insults that made us clench our fists in anger. But for every flaw that he had and maybe still has, the fact that he was at home every night, attempted to know your interests and ultimately treated your Mum like the goddess that she is. Is actually a pretty rad sense of commitment and one you hope you will be able to bestow upon your significant other and children.

There will come a time when your father and son relationship is reversed and taking care of him will become one of your proudest accomplishments.

Dad’s always seem invincible, we barely see them shed a tear, they’re always much more practical than us and they’ll always be able to piece together furniture or fix a damaged possession much faster than we can. Yet one day the day will come when you have to take care of your old man. You may have to help him recover from a physical injury. There may be an addiction that you have to help him overcome. Your mother may wake up one morning liberated enough to leave him and he may show up on your doorstep as your new flatmate for a few seasons. Or you might just have to help your Dad find himself again, when the swells of depression seem like waves that he can no longer conquer alone. While initially this predicament will seem very foreign and terrifying, the journey you take together as father and son and the role that your maternal support to him plays in his recovery, will strengthen your bond and ultimately make you a better man.

Carrying your child in a front pack as you stroll down a sidewalk will be the greatest pride you will ever feel.

There will be many times when you’re told that you and your siblings are one huge drainer on your Dads bank account. You and your siblings will also always be the cause of your mothers distress and he will never be a contributor to any of your Mums stresses. But one thing your father will probably neglect to tell you is the pride felt when you carry your own child in your arms, the elation that beats when your child wins an award and how wonderful it is to be responsible for shaping the world view and experiences of a mini version of you. While many of us try to avoid the kick of our own offspring for as long as we can and even support those we are with at the time to terminate unwanted pitter-patters. Its not till we see our friends courting a baby front pack on a communal outing and witness the connection between our mate and their child, that we realise what a sacred and inspirational thing becoming a father really is. Sometimes for some of us it can even be to late and years later when we find out that we can no longer create a child from our own semen, we die a little inside each time we see a sea of hipster fathers parading the sidewalks front pack and newborn baby clad.  

Fatherhood is not eternal and neither are you.

As the godfather of television Tony Soprano proved in recent weeks our Dad won’t live forever and neither will we. So whether your Dad is your mate, your nemesis or someone you see occasionally but ultimately share a disconnected relationship with. It’s never too late to sew the seeds of communication, to share your life with him or to take an interest in his stories. Because all to soon you can be sitting around in your Dads garage surrounded by nephews, your sons and your brothers drinking Guinness in his honour and wishing you had said more to him, told him what a legend he was or simply just gave him one serious man-hug.

When it comes to the father of mine, the Dad that I’ve been blessed with, I’m proud to proclaim to the world that my Dad’s my mate. Not because he hugged me regularly, shares the same ideals as me or showered me with gifts and money whenever I clicked my fingers. My Dad is my mate because he had the strength to be by my side when I made one of the biggest fuck ups of my teenage life and the resilience to be by my side at the police station, at the hospital and ultimately in court to help me find some sort of resolution to this unfortunate misguided decision. He is my friend because when he was lost for a few seasons and uncertain of his footsteps. I was the mate who pushed him to keep pushing forward, shared music with him to motivate his recovery and listened to his fears so that I could offer him some guidance as to how these doubts could be subdued. And my old man is also one of my bros because now as adults we can party together in my homeland many miles away and in the valleys of his land too. I can still Skype him to rant about my week and seek some sort of advice from him, and no matter the latitude between us he still has the ability to make me laugh like a child and the currency to provide me with some pretty good music recommendations too.

We never know how long our father will be in our life, some of us may get to be the biological fathers of a zygote that is distinctly us and some of us due to our physiological makeup may never get to become fathers in the traditional sense. But one goal that we should all strive for as modern Australasian men is to forge a friendship with our old man, so that we can get to a space where we can proudly call him our mate, while also making sure we become the kind of father, uncle, mentor or godparent that our mokopuna can call their mate too. 

Written by Samuel Elliot Snowden