📷 by Levi Saunders.

It’s 4 p.m. on a Sunday afternoon. You went home alone in a Uber on a Saturday night for the 3rd consecutive weekend in a row and watched your coupled friends affectionately frolic off into the night sky through the Uber’s rearview mirror.

You’ve just completed brunch with two of your girls, and on your walk home, you passed over a dozen handheld couples doing fitness together, cradling their dog like a child and coyly squabbling in the frozen foods section about who’s turn it is to select the ice cream.

You’ve got a longing. You’ve got an itch that needs to be scratched. So you dip one spoon deep into a tub of ice cream, let the dialogues of a television omnibus become your soundtrack and launch yourself into the abyss of Grindr and Scruff again.

56 profiles are launched before your eyes and ranked by their geographic proximity to your current location. Every thumbnail is an array of torsos, underwear shots and selfies. Some expose a sense of character, others exude an intriguing sense of style, and some are charged, packaged and ready to be erect and in your bedroom within five minutes. A message notification distracts your judgement.

BJ NOW: Hi

EXPERIENTIAL: Hey man, how’s your weekend been?

BJ NOW: Looking?

EXPERIENTIAL: What you’re watching the new HBO show? Is it good?

BJ NOW: Uncut and hung. Into wired?

EXPERIENTIAL: Not really. I’ve been a slut for amyl in the past though.

BJ NOW: Cock pic?

EXPERIENTIAL: Not a fan. My pics are pretty PGR.

BJ NOW: Body? Are you bottom?

EXPERIENTIAL: I’m more of an if it’s right, its right, kind of guy.

BJ NOW: (Insert Throbbing Hard Cock Picture)

BJ NOW: (Insert Extreme Close Up of a Stretched Butt In a Jockstrap)

BJ NOW: (Insert a Penis Entering a Bottom’s Hole)

EXPERIENTIAL: Impressive!

BJ NOW: You’d bottom for it then? Free now?

EXPERIENTIAL: C comes after B in my alphabet and D stands for a date, not deepthroating.

BJ NOW: Have fun fucking your pillow. COCK TEASE!!!!

We’ve all got different reasons for using a mobile dating app. Some like to play; some want to date. Some are in a relationship, and playing with others is less of a betrayal than cheating on their partner. Others just want raw, dirty and wet instant gratification. Sometimes if we’re lonely and hungover enough on a Sunday, our judgement, morals and reasoning for having a dating app will erode in an instant, and after ten flirtatious message notifications, we’ll find our nasal passages snorting a bottle of amyl like Nigella Lawson in her dressing room pre-show. We’ll let go of our inhibitions and accept the now for what it is and find ourselves sandwiched between two overly muscled men. Men who are not our type as a significant other, but who at this moment with their lips lashing against ours and their erect cocks rubbing against our briefs. Are much more satisfying than sitting at home watching a Kate Hudson film and contemplating how much of a cowboy Mathew McConaughey would be behind closed doors.

Whether you use a dating app or live vicariously through your single friends Grindr, Tinder or Scruff antics. One thing you should accept before passing judgement is this. Successful and beautiful single women use Tinder. Highly intellectual men with chest hair who would prefer to sink pints and hang out with straight men, Scruff it up too and for some highly closeted young gay men. The ones who are terrified of what they stand for as a gay man, but know they’re nothing like those Queens from Glee. Grindr is a far more informative educator than their high school sexual health teacher.

So whether you’re concerned about your friend’s dating app frivolities, curious about adding a few grinds into your sex life or have no shame in saying that you met your partner on Scruff at your wedding. Here are a few grinds to keep in mind when thumbnail shopping for your next conquest, experience or potential husband.

GRIND #1: PECKS, PACKAGES & POSITIONS MATTER 🍆

 Tap ⬆️ to listen to You Gonna Want Me by @Tiga while you.📖 🎧

It’s a cold reality, but a dating app isn’t a bar. So a guy doesn’t need to buy you a drink to get your attention. He doesn’t need to impress your friends, and he doesn’t need to court you either. If he wants to be frank and straight to the point, he can.

He will ask you for more pictures on the third message, and you’ll get to see what you may be digesting when third base rolls around on his 4th message. He might block you before you get to tell him what a cock he is and this behaviour may seem a little abrasive and pretty offensive initially, but the more you interact on your app of choice, the easier it will become.

Pretty soon you’ll find yourself throwing out witty comebacks to their loathsome notifications and every once in a while the pecks, package and position, although sleazy in approach, might be just the right fix for your yearnings.

In short, treat a dating app like a high school party with better-developed men. One where the more you consume, the wiser you’ll be at deflating the egos of those that you would prefer remained in your dating app.

GRIND #2: LOOKING & FUCKING IS A PREROGATIVE 🍑

 Tap ⬆️ to listen to Shopping Cart by @ParallelDanceEnsemble while you.📖 🎧

A dating app is a marketplace, which means like a fruit stand or factory outlet sale, you can search for the special you want and put a label on your shopping needs. If you want sex now, you can put it in your profile headline. If you want to play with more than one person, you can highlight this desire too. And if you’d prefer no Asians, you can say so and even subtly address this preference with a few adjectives like ‘not a racist’ or ‘they’re just not my thang”. If you’re interested in wired fun, underwear play, and leather stimulation, each of these kinks can be addressed in your profile too.

These preferences may seem a little confronting and politically incorrect to new queer dating app users. But it’s a part of love in the GAPP age that you need to accustom yourself to. Besides, you’ll quickly learn that knowing a guy enjoys PNP and would prefer to be spanked with a leather paddle than have his nipples sucked. Is better than unknowingly finding yourself in a leather sling with a gag in your mouth post a guy inviting you over for a sensual hang at his place.

I guess the important thing is to assess whether his desires align with yours and to be open to the possibility that while a guy may prefer specific kinks. He also might be the type of guy who will take you on a romantic picnic date and then open you up to a whole new world of arousing sensations that you never knew would turn you on, inside the bedroom.

GRIND #3: DATING DIALOGUE BEYOND THE KEYBOARD 🐾

 Tap ⬆️ to listen to All Eyes On You by @StLucia while you 📖 🎧.

Dating apps aren’t all a battlefield of cock pics and guys seeking stimulation over romance; there are a small number of men on these apps who do want to date. And if you’re lucky enough to find one of these rare specimens on the GAPPs, you’ll go on a series of unique, exciting and memorable dates beyond the realms of the thumbnail grid inside your phone.

A common predicament that many find themselves in is that guys can be very good at communicating from behind a Grindr screen, but in person, they are unable to construct more than fifty characters of meaningful conversation.

Then there are the guys that intrigue you in-app and outside of the Scruff screen. The ones that can maintain an in-depth conversation for a series of weeks and are capable of bringing smirks to your dial from every word that they utter. But then, when you finally do catch up in person to organise a date of fairytale proportions, everything between you is out of sync. Not because they’re different to who you thought they’d be. But because for some reason, what you had in those moments of conversation via Scruff just doesn’t translate into anything meaningful in the real world. This realisation can be a little disheartening. However, it’s better to know one date in that he isn’t the right fit than to discover it three months into a relationship with them.

GRIND #4: PARTNERED BUT EXPERIMENTAL 💦

 Tap ⬆️ to listen to Fuck The Pain Away by @Peaches while you. 📖 🎧.

Dating apps aren’t just for singles. Scruff, Grindr and Tinder are littered with adventurous couples who enjoy bedroom dancing with others. Some seek to play and connect as a pair; others go solo but attach no meaning to the intimacy, choosing to embrace the sensations of the stimulation and forget the person who just brought them to climax the moment after they exit.

This no connection-only penetration approach works for many couples because their bond is strong enough to prevent any rifts arising from their GAPP debauchery. However, sometimes threesomes do occur where you’ll find yourself in the home of a couple yet transfixed by the intensity of only one of the partners in the embrace. This partner will have all eyes on you, and you will be exploring every crevice of each other like pubescent schoolboys. But then you’ll look over at their boyfriend and see a blankness in his eyes, as he watches the shared pleasure that you and his partner are experiencing and realises that the stimulations that you are offering are something that he can no longer give his partner.

Whether you’re a couple introducing a dating app into your bedroom or a single that enjoys group play, you need to be aware that humans are connective beings and that two people’s connection to each other can’t be predicted. You also need to prepare yourself for the reality that seeing the one you love in adulterated sexual ecstasy with another person, will affect you long after the tryst ends. So if you’re the guest in the threesome, know when it is time to say your goodbyes and be aware of everyone’s feelings.

GRIND #5: FIFTY SHADES OF AN STI CLINIC 🦄

 Tap ⬆️ to listen to Handle Me by @Robyn while you.📖 🎧

Globally the number of sexually transmitted infections diagnosed daily is at an all-time high. The number of newly diagnosed HIV+ infections in Australia alone rose by 10% in the past year. The general assumption about this increase in diseases is that people are abandoning condoms and embracing bareback sex. This is a contributing factor. However, the main reason that STIs are on the rise is due to dating apps and their integration into peoples daily lives.

Dating apps are allowing us to have sex with a lot more people than the hay day of OK Cupid and teenage trysts on MSN messenger. People ready for sex are at our fingertips, and if they’ve got their phone GPS turned on, we even know how conveniently close their torso is to our semi-hard cock.

Global brands like Durex are beginning to introduce preventatives like the Blackbook app Grindr accompaniment to increase regular sexual health check awareness. However, the main issue that is still preventing people from getting proper check-ups is that STI clinics still have the same stigma that they had a decade ago and as for GPs well some of them are uneducated on STI etiquette.

So where do we go from here, and how do we use a dating app without contracting the clap? Simple, we start talking about it. It’s easier said than done, but if we start having open dialogues about our battles with STIs, start asking our GP for regular sexual health tests and share our STI stories with our peer networks, the stigma attached to contracting an STI will slowly, but inevitably begin to subside.

An almost naked guy with a fire in his crutch on a billboard has little impact on today’s millennials, but people sharing meaningful stories about an STI with their mobile-first peers may just become a positive socially conscious movement.

Personally, when it comes to apps like Grindr and Scruff, sometimes I’ll spend 2 hours of my day on them, and sometimes I’ll avoid them for seasons. Sometimes my straight friends will have more fun turning on my Scruff in a bar and seeing which queens are sharing the floor with us than I will, and more often than not, these apps are a significant distraction from my weekend’s productivity.

My forays into love in the mobile age have changed my perception of love and sex; I now have less set expectations than I once did. But I still do prefer spoon, sex, brunch and laughter scenarios over a cock, cum and run situation. I also still cherish those moments when drawn-out foreplay, witty conversation and meaningful passion unfold beneath pastel sheets.

Ultimately, whether you’re on a dating app to ejaculate or connect with a new potential lover, you need to understand that we are living in an age of instant gratification. We want news instantly, love instantly and live in a throw-away society. One in which we throw away information and relationships faster than the expiry date on our Soy Milk.

Scruff, Grindr and Tinder fulfil these disposable needs and will continue to reward us with unforgettable sex, memorable connections and may just become the comic anecdote to our 30th anniversary with Mr Right. But like any tech advancement, they need to be accepted for what they are and used for the purpose they serve for us. If our experience on these apps hurts others or has an adverse effect on our wellbeing, then it’s probably better that we sign out before we lose ourselves or someone we love in ten Grindr messages.

Written by Samuel Elliot Snowden